The Question That Should Never Be Asked

Why is it when you turn 30, the only thing people can think about is when you should be getting married and having babies??? Why is 30 the magic number?!? And why do people seem to place that “burden” mainly on women?!?! Why is it that when men turn 30 they aren’t constantly asked when they will have kids?!? Once a women turns thirty its almost as though that internal clock starts ticking and all those around you can hear it. Why do people feel that it’s okay to pressure women and married couples about when they are going to have babies?!?! Some may not want to have kids, others may be waiting to be more stable in life. And some, sadly can’t have babies. But no one seems to think of the latter. They all just assume that like everyone else in the world you will conceive a baby with no problems.

I would bet that every single one of you reading this knows someone who has had trouble getting pregnant, had trouble carrying a pregnancy, or even someone who can’t get pregnant. According to the CDC 6% of women ages 15-44 in the US are unable to get pregnant after one year of trying. And 12% of women (or 1 in 8 couples) in the same age group, will have trouble getting pregnant or carrying a pregnancy to term! You may not think that this it is that big of an issue, but if you do the math, infertility impacts around 7.4 million women!

Why do I feel the need to put all the statistics in there? That’s simple! People need to realize that infertility really is a problem. Having a baby for many people is not as easy as simply being intimate with their partner a few times. For many it looks more like taking ovulation tests so intimacy can be planned during ovulation. Or taking daily injections of hormones so your body will produce eggs that can then be retrieved, frozen, and implanted after fertilization!

People need to understand that it’s never okay to ask someone when they are going to have babies. Nor should anyone ever ask a women that they don’t know “when they are you due!?” Fertility is really a personal topic and isn’t one for the family dinner table or over wine with friends. I know from experience that it is hard to watch all the people you know getting married and having kids. It’s hard to be the lone wolf knowing that you will never be able to have your own biological baby! It never gets easier to explain to people that you can’t have kids. They always want to argue and ask if you have tried x, y and z.

As far back as I can remember I have wanted nothing more than to be a mother. Sadly, the last few years have changed all that and I won’t be able to have kids of my own. In 2011 I was diagnosed with Endometriosis and have had three surgeries since, and in 2012 I was hit with the Lupus diagnosis. I know many women with Endometriosis go on to have children. But for me the combination of the two make it much to high risk. It wouldn’t be safe for me or the baby. It took a long time to come to terms with that. And for a long time I would cry when anyone brought it up. Now 6 years down the road I can talk about it without tears (most of the time). I now know that I wasn’t meant to have my own kids but that I was meant to adopt.

I guess what I want people to really understand is that it’s not okay to ask a women about when she will have babies, or when she is due. You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. No women should ever have to feel bad saying that she won’t have children! Or that she can’t have children. And they definitely don’t deserved to be bothered by everyone all the time about when it’s going to happen. Every women’s journey is going to be different. Some women will have no problem getting pregnant, some will chose not to have kids, and other will not be able to. So just think twice before you ask someone about having children.

With Love,

Amber