Finding Me…

Disclaimer: This was very hard for me to write, it has made me feel very vulnerable! However, I   feel like it’s a story that needs to be shared and hope that in someway my story of finding love for myself again can help someone else do the same. 

When you have a chronic illness it’s no secret that you often feel depressed or you start to question your self worth!  Or even totally lose who you are and  the love you feel for yourself.  Through being sick all the time you have probably lost a few friends over time because they don’t get it or they are tired of all the cancellations!  Your illness may have been a part of a failed relationship, a lost job or career. So then the question is, what do you do to boost your self confidence? To make your self feel worthy? To find you, and the love you have for yourself?  Do these things depend on the comments of others for you?  Or is more about how you see you when you look in the mirror or see a picture of yourself? Well, today I’m going to talk about my battle with low self-worth and depression. And the things I have done to improve those things. And mostly importantly how I found me! 
After leaving a bad relationship and being diagnosed with Lupus (and all the other life changing illnesses lupus brings with it) within a few months time I was at a low point. I felt broken and that I would never be worthy of any ones love again. I know it sounds crazy. But I felt that since I was “broken physically” no one would ever view me the same. That was five years ago. I can’t tell you at that point what I did to improve the way I viewed myself other than a lot of talking with my friends and family who really cared about me. And slowly I gained my self confidence back. But it’s taken many years. And many breakdowns along the road. 

Over the years there have been MANY times those bad thoughts have crept back into my mind. “You aren’t good enough.”  “You are broken who would want you!!?” “You are too fat, too ugly etc.” When you have so many illnessses and have been on bigger doses of prednisone which in turn bloated you up like a pig.  It’s hard not to feel those feelings sometimes.  Especially in a society and time where looks matter so much! (And just a side note, whoever said that the prednisone weight will just “fall off” once you come off of it is a BIG FAT LIAR!!!! Because I doesn’t. ) It wasn’t until recently that I found something that has really turned my thinking around and helped me to feel really good about myself for the first time in a LONG time. 

About six months ago probably a friend from high school invited me on Facebook to a MLM makeup party. This party was selling lipsticks that lasted up to 18hrs. I’m not gonna lie I wasn’t really interested I’ve never been a huge makeup person. But I don’t watched the girl do her live schpeal and I was intrigued. Lipstick that stays put with out reapplication for up to 18hrs and it hydrates your lips at the same time???That would be handy to have rather than carrying around my Gloss orchapstick in my pocket. So I thought I’ll try it. What do I have to lose?

I got my color and tried it for a couple days and fell in love. And the more I wore it the more apt I was to put makeup on too so my lips didn’t stand out. And as time went on my self worth started to grow. I was also losing weight during this time which helped me to like myself again because I have been at my heaviest weight for the last four plus years. And I couldn’t even stand to look in the mirror when I wasn’t wearing clothes. So I was overall feeling better about myself. Not that looks should in any way reflect about how you feel. But for me it wasn’t how others viewed me or thought of me. It was how I saw me.  I didn’t feel invisible anymore when I was wearing makeup. I felt like people were seeing me for me and not my conditions. And it’s not the makeup that did that. It was the way I felt and views myself that changed that for me.  I started putting real clothes on rather than just sloppy comfy clothes. And I really started to like myself again. Because there for awhile. I didn’t even like myself. 

After a few months of using the makeup and lipstick. I started selling it. Just to make a little money on the side and to earn the discounts. I never thought that Senegence/Lipsense would become my primary source of income. But it has!  I have watch so many trainings and girls talking about why they got involved and I got inspired. I wanted to own my own business and make it successful. And No this is not a plug for you to come try the makeup or join my team. This is just another little piece of the puzzle to finding myself. Who knew that wearing and selling makeup could help me find the me that I lost several ayears ago! 

I have a fellow lupus sufferer who has told me for a couple years that if I would get up even on the days I was home and not going anywhere I would feel a little better. At first I thought she was a little nuts. But then I tried it. And it’s true!! If I get up and put on a little makeup and my lipstick I do have a little more pep in my step. They have products that actually cover my butterfly rash so it’s not sticking out for all to see. Which I have never found with any other makeup line. But like I said before it’s got nothing to do with how others see me. It’s all about how I see me. If you can’t love yourself. You will never be able to find love in a partner!!  And through this MLM makeup company, of all things, I have found the love for myself again.  And that is something I have not had in close to 10 years. Due to a failed marriage, a horrible relationship and being so sick and overweight due to steroids. Now all these years later I can finally look at myself in the mirror and not see ugly, fat, and sick. I can once again get dressed in front of the mirror and not cringe. I found me and love the me I have become.  

What will it take for you find you?  Or better yet what did you do to find yourself. Feel feee to leave your stories in the comments! And if I can help you in anyway on your journey please let me know!!!

-Amber 💋💋

(Now I will plug. If you are interested at all in the makeup I mentioned feel free to leave me a message and I’ll get back to you) 

MVA – How They Can Have an Impact on More Than Just the Car. 

Man….. you don’t think about how one situation can totally mess up your whole system until it happens. I realized that a week ago today when I was in a car accident. It was nasty. But nothing broken. Just a concussion and a torn up knee. And lots of bumps and bruises. (And the other person wasn’t hurt either.)Then the realization set in yesterday that I am now in a lupus flare. And my adrenal glands are on their way to sending me into an adrenal crisis!!! I wrote my rheumatolgist to see if I could do steroids or anything to prevent the worsening flare. And she told me LIGHT STRETCHING was the only thing I could do. Really?!?!? You hurt as bad as I do everyday and then get on the floor and stretch. If I could even get to the floor there is no way in hades that I could get up. With my knee in an immobilizer and my arms so sore from crutches and the accident I’d be stuck. And they weren’t kidding when they said day two and three would be worse. Holy moly! It’s insane. 

The scariest part of this whole ordeal wasn’t the accident itself. Simply bc I don’t remember it. But THAT statement is the scary part.  I have absolutely no idea what happened. The ambulance came quickly and whisked me away to the Emergency Room. That’s when everything stopped. Apparently they didn’t have any rooms in the back, so they set me in wheelchair with my c-collar, crying like a weirdo in the WAITING ROOM. This is where I sat for about two hours before I saw a nurse or dr.  Ya I get they were busy. But one would think that a car accident with loss of consciousness would trump other things but I guess not.  The whole time I was at the hospital I sat and balled. Like sobbing. I just couldn’t quit. But I am so glad my mom was there with me the whole time. I wasn’t always nice to her,but we blame the pain meds and the accident on that. But she stayed right there with me. Even at 32 it’s nice to have your mom around when you need her!! 

I’m a cryer yes. But I never sit and cry inconsolablely for a hour.  That’s not my norm. So, I can only assume that it was the shock of the accident and concussion I had causing all those tears. The ER Dr told me I had no broken bones or major injuries. Put an immobilizer on my knee and gave me some crutches and sent me out the door. I was glad to go home but the really pain and soreness was just setting in. Man you never believe how much everything is going to hurt for days following an accident until it happens to you. I am still sore and very bruised and it’s been a week today. And I still can’t bear full weight on my leg.  Sigh. We are doing some medical tests and will give my knee another week go see if it heals on its own. 

So not only am I deal with my pain and emotions from the car wreck. I am now dealing with the fact that I lost my job. I understand where they are coming from. My absences make it hard to count on me. And now that I can drive or work until the dr clears me. (We are going to test my heart and do an eeg to see if I’m having seizures.) That means I have no idea how long it will be before I am cleared to work or drive. I am not mad at my boss as I know she is looking out for her patients. And right now they need someone who can be there all the time. She did say that if I ever want to come back I can. That I’ve not burned any bridges. This company was fantastic to work for. And they went above and beyond to make sure I had what I needed. And gave me more chances than anyone else would have with my absences. But It still sucks because I have to go pick up all my belongings thatbwere in my office. Which is sad bc I loved my job and I’m sad that part of my life is over. 

Now the question is what am I going to do for money $$. Because sadly we can’t live free in today’s society.  I have become a distributor for the makeup company Senegence. And in doing so have been able to make decent money. So I’m praying that I can continue to grow my buisness and that I can do this and not have to go to work again outside the house at least not right away!! If not I am not sure what route I will go. Only time will tell!! 

So many emotions and thoughts are swirling through my head. Who would have ever guessed that losing your car in an accident could be so emotional. I guess for most it’s probably not. But buying that car was the last thing my grandpa and I did together before he passed several years ago. So I feel like that car was my last earthly connection I have to him. And that’s hard.  Because I miss him so much everyday. 

Anyway, I’m a little rusty on this whole blogging thing if you can’t tell. My thoughts have been all over the place. Which for a Lupie isn’t that strange but usually my writing is better than this. But I wanted to share my thoughts and what has been going on in my life. I promise I will now be getting back into blogging now that I have a little more free time!!

Love always ❤️

Amber