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Recently I was looking at my social media accounts  I came across accounts that I had chosen to hide either my content from. As I looked down the list I realized that many of those people were people that I knew for a significant amount of time in my life. Most were people I had either worked with somewhere along the line since Nursing School Graduation, or I went to high school or college with. These were people who were a significant part of my life at one point or another. Not people who were trolls or people from my past that I didn’t want to think about again.

But as I sat and thought about it I couldn’t find a reason that any of them would have been on the hidden list. The more I thought about it I came to the realization that I must have hidden my posts because I didn’t want them to see my life or my journey. But why? I spent a LOT of time thinking about this the next couple of days and the more I thought about it I realized that I had done it because I was embarrassed by what my life had become.

The people who knew me 10 or 15 years ago probably don’t know that I am no longer working in my chosen field. That my marriage didn’t work out, that is a whole story for a different day. Or that I am not living my best life with kids, a husband, and my dream job. While I know most people are living their exact ideal life. Sometimes I still struggle with the path my life has taken. I know there are always going to be things that we want to change. But my life is FAR from what I ever imagined.

That being said, this is NO REASON to be embarrassed though. The things that have made such a change were nothing I did. Or bad decisions I made, for the most part anyway. A person can’t change their genetics. Or honestly in many cases like mine the hand they were dealt. So what? I may not be at a patient’s beside twelve hours a day. Or working to teach future nurses.  But I am still making a difference. I may not be calling Drs or drawing blood. But I am still touching people’s lives. Is it the way that I planned? Hell NO! But I have made adjustments and found ways to share my knowledge and provide support in other ways.

Disability has a way of changing a person and their outlook on life. The things that once seemed so important no longer rank in the top five of the things we worry about.  That isn’t a bad thing though. The version of me that was once embarrassed to let people from my past knew the person who I have become doesn’t exist anymore. That person has learned to hold her head up high and be proud of the things she has accomplished. To be proud of the life she has built despite the truly crappy hand she has been dealt. In the end, it really doesn’t matter what any of those people think of me. Whether they knew the person I once was or the person that I am now. The only thing that really matters is how I feel about myself.

That is what should matter the most to all of us. The opinion of the eyes looking out. Not the eyes looking in. Paths change and so do people, and that’s okay. But we never should be ashamed or embarrassed about the person we became because of an illness. Chronic illness takes so much away, but it shouldn’t take that. It changes our paths, our hopes, and our dreams. It changes how we look at life as a whole. But it should never change the way we look at ourselves. We all deserve to hold our heads up HIGH and be proud of the badass WARRIORS we have become.

 

With Love,

Amber

2 thoughts on “Why Was I Hiding The Person I Have Become?

  1. Wow. That was weird. Your life seems to be almost an exact carbon copy of mine. My name is Amber, I’m a mom of three, I’m an RN, I too have fibromyalgia (and am SEVERLY allergic to all approved medications to help treat it – anaphylactic, in fact, which was pretty scary x 3!) and I feel this post like someone just punched me in the face. Good for you for stomping on the embarrassment, because I feel that too. You’ve probably always been the strong, capable, knows the answer to most questions or can find them, dependable one in your family and friend circle and it is HARD to have to admit your weakness, back off of work or stop altogether and try to explain your struggle with fibromyalgia. People laugh like you’re being funny or faking it, and your just feel that much smaller some days and the next breath catches a little, but you suck it up, smile and go to your quiet spot to cry it out for a minute and then face the world and the kids and the people like everything is ok-ish enough to carry on. Cyclobenzaprine? Yes please, because I don’t know about you, but the weight of the work is pretty heavy some days.

    1. Wow. That’s so crazy. But everything you said is so very true! Long lost twin?!? Work was heavy. But sadly I had to medically retire in 2016. MU Health became to much. So now I run a support group on facebook that I started several years ago, write here and do some freelance writing. It’s definitely not where I dreamed I would be, but I can’t change the hand I was dealt. I can only live with it. And I don’t have any children. With all my health issues it doesn’t look like it’s in the card. But Everything else is dead on. Thank You so much for commenting. It’s nice to know that the things I write impact others. Hopefully helping a few along the way. Big hugs. 💜💜💜💜

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