Dear Lupus,

You came into my life with asking, without an invitation. You came in and made it known by all that you were GOING TO BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION. Who asked you to come? Who asked you to invade my body and take my life away?? I sure as hell didn’t.

Looking back you made yourself known and reared your ugly head the first time when I was in high school. Although no one called you by name. They just said I had mono that lasted what seemed like forever. Six months to be exact! Who has mono for six months?!? I wondered why the simplest tasks made me exhausted and the people around me could run circles around me for hours. I wondered why I seem to require so much more sleep than others my age! It was because of you. You went away for several years for the most part and I was grateful. I was able to finish nursing school and my bachelors degree. I was able to work as a nurse for 6 years without any issues. Even though you weren’t active I was always exhausted all the time. And I could never stay up as late as people my age or couldn’t go out and “party” like others my age. It was all because of you. Damn you LUPUS!

Finally seven years ago you officially made your move. You moved in and took up residence for good. Although we never discussed this, I never agreed to this, I didn’t give you a key or clear out a drawer for you. Instead you just made yourself welcome. Since that day long ago. You’ve made my life or a good part of it a living hell. I have lost several friends along the way because they think I don’t want to see them or that I’m just full of excuses as to why I don’t want to go out to eat or go the bar after work. Or because they simply don’t understand that when I say I’m tired, it’s not just lay down and take a nap tired it’s pure exhaustion. The one thing you’ve taken away from that hurts the most is the fact that I wasn’t able to cheer on my sister as she pitches and plays travel ball during the summer and early fall. Because of you the heat is simply unbearable and makes me so very sick after only a short time.   Missing her last seasons of ball literally broke my heart.

You came and brought along uncontrolled pain (at times), long term steroids (leading to weight gain), inability to be in the heat or sun, sleep issues, and a plethora of other very undesirable diseases that go hand in hand with you. I can’t thank you enough for your generosity. You’ve done enough. Now go away and take all the “gifts” you’ve brought with you that are also not welcomed here.

One of the reasons I hate you the most is because between you and your friend endometriosis I will no longer be able to carry my own baby. And I’ve never wanted anything more than to be a mother. But because of you and the side effects of the drugs I take to treat you, and your buddy endometriosis that’s no longer possible. My lifelong goal was taken from me long before I could ever achieve it.

You can also take the adrenal insufficiency and hemiplegic migraines with you. Because of the three of you I had to quit my job and move home with my parents at the age of 31. My blood pressure likes to stay in the 70’s and 80’s because my adrenal glands no longer act like they should thanks to all the steroids I required. Thanks to you I became a frequent visitor of my local ER and Hospital. In the last two years I have spent more time in the ER than most people do a LIFETIME!! All because of the debilitating migraines that are now a part of my daily life.

I’m tired of all of you. Tired of the medications, the depression, the anxiety and most of all the pain.  I never asked any one of you into my life, yet you are all here. You have changed my life in so many way I can’t even count. I’ve lost the majority of my local friends. I will never be able to complete my masters degree that would give me the knowledge to teach in a nursing program because of you!! Thanks to you I can’t hold down a job outside the home. You need to pack up and get the hell out of my life! GO. GO I tell ya!!

I live by the verses.

*Philippines 4:13 I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.

*Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand

With Love

-Amber

** This is my updated letter to lupus. I felt with it being Awareness Month this was a good time to update and share.