A person never thinks about all the things we do in a day or a lifetime that we take for granted, that is until something happens and our life changes.  We are just so used to running out and jumping in the car and running wherever. To the store, to the gas station. Or to being able to leave the house without having to find someone to go with you. Working outside the home is something that you do because you have to pay your bills. Getting married and having babies is just the next step in life and a common occurrence for people today.  For most of us the things I mentioned above we don’t think anything about and just do them. Until something happens and you can’t!!
After I wrecked my car last summer I was told that I couldn’t drive. Mostly for medical reasons until they can be sure what caused me to black out and wreck my car. Even if I wanted to run out and jump in the car and go somewhere I couldn’t, because my car was totaled in the accident. I don’t know how many times in the last several months  that I’ve thought I’m just gonna go and get __________.  Whatever it was in that moment. Only to remember that I have no car and am not allowed to drive. Not being able to drive meant that I was no longer able to work outside the home. Because I had no way to get to and from work everyday.  After the accident I really started thinking about all the things we do in a day or a lifetime that we take for granted. The accident really opened my eyes to just how lucky I am.

Things as simple as walking, or running, getting out of bed on your own. Feeding yourself, bathing yourself or even toileting. Having access to cell phones, computers, internet, and cable TV. Even things like living on my own, and working outside the home are things we just do because its part of life.  But how many times a day do we all do those things or use our devices without ever thinking twice. We are privileged to be able to have these things and to be able to do things on our own. There are many people out there who don’t have the luxuries we have. Sadly, it often takes a life changing event for most of us to reflect and realize just how lucky we are. It shouldn’t be that way, as a whole our society is so focused on getting the newest car or cell phone or whatever it is that we want.  And we don’t think about what could happen if circumstances were to change.

I am just as guilty as the next person for taking my lifestyle for granted. I never really thought about how lucky I was to live the lifestyle I did until it changed and I no longer could live that life. And the events that led to the change in my lifestyle has really opened my eyes and made me think.  Five years ago I was working full time, going to school for my Masters degree, supporting myself, paying my bills and treating myself to pretty much whatever I wanted when I wanted it. Now I am no longer able to work outside the home and have filed for disability. I am no longer able to live on my own due to my lack of income and have had to move in with my parents. I am still paying my own bills by working for a MLM company selling cosmetics. But if someone would have told me five years ago that this is where I would be at this point in my life I would have laughed at them.  Not only am I no longer able to live on my own, I can’t drive. This has been a big BLOW to my psyche.

I often feel embarrassed because of the circumstance that have changed my life.  I feel like I am a disappointment to my family and that I am an embarrassment to my teenage sister. They assure me that is not the case, but when the things that you have always hoped and dreamed for are no longer happening its easy to feel this way. Since I was a child the only thing I ever wanted was to be happily married and to be a mom. Now because of my health I know that I will not be able to have my own babies. I will never get to experience carrying a baby or giving birth. Sure I can adopt and I hope to someday. But it hurts me to the core that I will never be able to carry my own.  I always said I would be married and have babies by the time I am 25. Now I am almost 33 and wonder if I will even ever get married.  I feel like no one would ever want to marry someone like me because I have so many issues. Who would want to take all this on? Its a LOT!!

I know I am not the only one who has feelings like this and has had to change their life due to an illness. I am by no means alone. But when you are living in the moment it is easy to feel that way. It is easy to feel like you are the only person going through these trials and hard times. I am so grateful that I have an awesome family that supports me no matter what happens. And that I have some really awesome friends who are always by my side. That is not to say that I haven’t lost friends in the last five years because of my illness because I have. It breaks my heart that some people who I thought were lifelong friends chose to walk away when I got sick. But I have learned that it is not my fault. I didn’t do anything to make them make that choice. They chose to do that because they couldn’t deal with my new normal. And change is inevitable and something we all have to accept.

I guess what I am getting at is that we all need to take some time and really look at our life. Look at all the luxuries we have and how lucky we are to live the life we do. Be thankful for the relationships we have and make sure that we tell those people that we love just how grateful we are to have them in our lives. Take time to really look at our life and all the things we do on a daily basis that others may not be able to do. We are blessed with every day that we have here on earth and we really need to take time and make sure that those in our lives know what is going on and how we feel. We all need to remember that nothing in life is guaranteed and life as we know it can change in the blink of an eye.

With Love,

Amber